we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
