5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
