She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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