i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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