I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
