i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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