I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
