gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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