my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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