just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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