Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
