I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
