What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
