The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
