So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
