the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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