We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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