When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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