Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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