I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
