Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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