Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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