That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
