Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
