Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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