That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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