i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
