tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
