New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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