11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
