the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
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