Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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