At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
