Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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