just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
