Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How external is "for external use only"?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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