dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
