yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
