so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
