I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
