dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
