Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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