Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
