you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
