he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
i need some magic done to my vagina
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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