At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
