I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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