somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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