Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
