The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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