you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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