Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
