mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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